By Dele OluwoleMy father gave me an invaluable advice some years a go, he said ‘never step out of your door to attend a party or visit a friend without first killing your appetite’. In order words, don’t always anticipate that food will be served at parties or wherever you’re visiting. He said ‘when you go to parties with at least a half full stomach you will be saved from unnecessarily salivating each time you anticipate to be served or when you are harassed by nice aroma from the kitchen. You will be able to at least watch with rebuff and enjoy your party when some rude waiters deliberately pass you by without asking to serve you. You can afford to ignore whoever thinks he’s got the exclusive right to serve you whenever he deems appropriate, especially ‘Owanbe’. Kabba people will say ‘elu le eda tinu oni nu’. You don’t loose what is in your stomach when you stumble or fall flat on the ground. But contrary to my father’s words of wisdom I make sure I visit my friends in the UK who leave in terrace houses in empty stomach.
My uncle was in the UK for a visit and was amazed to realise that he had to pass through the kitchen to get into the toilet. He wondered if this is the so called British civilisation where there is a thin wall between where you upload and offload. He said ‘no one will ever design such houses in Nigeria’. I said ‘but Uncle these people taught us architectural engineering’ and building technology. He replied ‘Aburo, forget this ‘Oyibos’, when they do mistakes because of the investment they’ll always claim it’s a new fashion or new design ….. they don’t admit to error easily’ I then suddenly remembered that Nigerian houses are designed in a way that toilets and kitchens are far apart. I know we do not appreciate these two sides of our lives being too close probably because of the associated discomfort, but not the British anyway.
I remember visiting a family friend and when I requested to use what the Americans will call rest room for the big one, I excused myself, walked through the kitchen where my friend’s wife was preparing some ‘Edika-hikon’ and ‘eba’. When I eventually started to launching I was careful not to allow nature make the usual blast. I was managing and managing until nature decided to disappoint, suddenly a very loud and heavy one that its reverberation could be likened to the 27th January 2002 Lagos bomb blast came down. I couldn’t believe the sound myself knowing fully well that whoever was in the kitchen would have heard the mismanagement. Because of my heavy carbohydrate diets I do not need anyone to tell me that noise of blasts escape from the toilet whenever I engaged it, so I would normally take extra caution especially when not doing it at home. Some measures I take to envelope the noise include running the tap or singing praise songs at the top of my voice.
In Nigeria you don’t need to play such games just because you are in a toilet, you have a master bed room or guest toilet where you can blast off the roof. Sorry, not only that, the conductors shouts of Och-uo-di, mushi, Agege, CMS, Oju-ele-gbaaa, hold ya chey-sssh will help to douse the blasting. Nigerians are so civilised that aside their houses being great architectural designs also make sure that toilets and kitchen are at the two extremes of their houses. In the popular ‘face me I face you’, you will have to walk about 10 metres from your room to use the rest room.
Aside decency it is only hygienic that the toilet and kitchen are far apart from each other as your visit to the toilet is like granting the bacteria in the toilet visa to the outside world and it is not impossible for the stubborn ones among them to seek asylum in the kitchen as you walk through. The excuse the British gives for the poor terrace design is that in the 50s the houses where built with separate toilets that had to be shared among four or five houses ….. hoops! Were there bathrooms then? No, how then did they clean up? During winter once in a week, and in summer thrice a week soaked towel was the answer. Whereas In the 50s in Africa I remembered my Dad saying they do the big one in the bushes far from the villages and farms and bathed in moving streams and waterfalls.
Talking of discipline now, when I was growing up I dared not attempt to visit the toilet while at the dinning, if I did then I must not return to continue eating. My Dad believes it’s covetous to attempt to offload your bowel in order to make room for unfinished food. So, its either you visit the toilet to offload your bowel before joining him at the dinning or load to offload later. Unlike Nigerians who are so considerate that they don’t clear their nostril in the public places as those around may be offended, in the UK I have seen instances in the bus or train where people openly blew their nostril into tissue papers or handkerchiefs. I remember two occasions in the canteen where people cleared their nostrils with heavy blast while I enjoyed the popular fish and chips. If this is done in Nigeria you will be openly reprimanded.
Most average Nigerians at least can afford flats with master bed room, but since my sojourn in Europe aside hotel rooms I have only come across master bed room twice. I have never been to America so I wouldn’t know their pattern of house design. I guess Nigerians have overtaken their colonial masters in this aspect, I wonder if we can overtake them in other areas like politics and technology as well.
My friend who was a manager in an IT firm in Port Harcourt had a well furnished and air conditioned three-bed room flat with a master bed room only to arrive in London where he had to share a two-bedroom flat with five other guys and a lady. They take their turn on the single toilet and bathroom, so to hear blasts from the toilet when cooking in the kitchen became a way of life. He said for the first 3 months it was difficult for him to cope with the fact that toilet and kitchen are together. He is now established in the UK and when he moved out of the terrace he rented another one where he stays with his wife and kids as he no longer see anything wrong with it. I am sure he will not build anything like a terrace house when he returns back to Nigeria.
My uncle was in the UK for a visit and was amazed to realise that he had to pass through the kitchen to get into the toilet. He wondered if this is the so called British civilisation where there is a thin wall between where you upload and offload. He said ‘no one will ever design such houses in Nigeria’. I said ‘but Uncle these people taught us architectural engineering’ and building technology. He replied ‘Aburo, forget this ‘Oyibos’, when they do mistakes because of the investment they’ll always claim it’s a new fashion or new design ….. they don’t admit to error easily’ I then suddenly remembered that Nigerian houses are designed in a way that toilets and kitchens are far apart. I know we do not appreciate these two sides of our lives being too close probably because of the associated discomfort, but not the British anyway.
I remember visiting a family friend and when I requested to use what the Americans will call rest room for the big one, I excused myself, walked through the kitchen where my friend’s wife was preparing some ‘Edika-hikon’ and ‘eba’. When I eventually started to launching I was careful not to allow nature make the usual blast. I was managing and managing until nature decided to disappoint, suddenly a very loud and heavy one that its reverberation could be likened to the 27th January 2002 Lagos bomb blast came down. I couldn’t believe the sound myself knowing fully well that whoever was in the kitchen would have heard the mismanagement. Because of my heavy carbohydrate diets I do not need anyone to tell me that noise of blasts escape from the toilet whenever I engaged it, so I would normally take extra caution especially when not doing it at home. Some measures I take to envelope the noise include running the tap or singing praise songs at the top of my voice.
In Nigeria you don’t need to play such games just because you are in a toilet, you have a master bed room or guest toilet where you can blast off the roof. Sorry, not only that, the conductors shouts of Och-uo-di, mushi, Agege, CMS, Oju-ele-gbaaa, hold ya chey-sssh will help to douse the blasting. Nigerians are so civilised that aside their houses being great architectural designs also make sure that toilets and kitchen are at the two extremes of their houses. In the popular ‘face me I face you’, you will have to walk about 10 metres from your room to use the rest room.
Aside decency it is only hygienic that the toilet and kitchen are far apart from each other as your visit to the toilet is like granting the bacteria in the toilet visa to the outside world and it is not impossible for the stubborn ones among them to seek asylum in the kitchen as you walk through. The excuse the British gives for the poor terrace design is that in the 50s the houses where built with separate toilets that had to be shared among four or five houses ….. hoops! Were there bathrooms then? No, how then did they clean up? During winter once in a week, and in summer thrice a week soaked towel was the answer. Whereas In the 50s in Africa I remembered my Dad saying they do the big one in the bushes far from the villages and farms and bathed in moving streams and waterfalls.
Talking of discipline now, when I was growing up I dared not attempt to visit the toilet while at the dinning, if I did then I must not return to continue eating. My Dad believes it’s covetous to attempt to offload your bowel in order to make room for unfinished food. So, its either you visit the toilet to offload your bowel before joining him at the dinning or load to offload later. Unlike Nigerians who are so considerate that they don’t clear their nostril in the public places as those around may be offended, in the UK I have seen instances in the bus or train where people openly blew their nostril into tissue papers or handkerchiefs. I remember two occasions in the canteen where people cleared their nostrils with heavy blast while I enjoyed the popular fish and chips. If this is done in Nigeria you will be openly reprimanded.
Most average Nigerians at least can afford flats with master bed room, but since my sojourn in Europe aside hotel rooms I have only come across master bed room twice. I have never been to America so I wouldn’t know their pattern of house design. I guess Nigerians have overtaken their colonial masters in this aspect, I wonder if we can overtake them in other areas like politics and technology as well.
My friend who was a manager in an IT firm in Port Harcourt had a well furnished and air conditioned three-bed room flat with a master bed room only to arrive in London where he had to share a two-bedroom flat with five other guys and a lady. They take their turn on the single toilet and bathroom, so to hear blasts from the toilet when cooking in the kitchen became a way of life. He said for the first 3 months it was difficult for him to cope with the fact that toilet and kitchen are together. He is now established in the UK and when he moved out of the terrace he rented another one where he stays with his wife and kids as he no longer see anything wrong with it. I am sure he will not build anything like a terrace house when he returns back to Nigeria.
