Oga to pack dog poop?

G - Oga, good morning sir! (Oga walked to his car without responding)
K - (Whispering) did he not hear you say good morning?
G - Please just leave me alone this morning; are you just noticing that oga doesn’t respond to greeting from us?
K - I know but why is that it is only you and I that he doesn’t respond to?
G - Don’t tell me you are not aware that he doesn’t also responds to salute and greetings from the Zombies guarding him.

K – But I saw Barack Obama recently on TV responding to a salute from a guard before disappearing into the Airfore one jet
G – That one na real human being

K – Are you saying your Oga is not a human being?
G – Na you talk am oooo

K – The last time Obama was in the UK Gordon Brown took after him and responded to greetings from the police officer guarding No. 10 Downing street main door for the first time

G – So, Brown has been ignoring his guard all this while?
K – Let him ask the late Kabila how important a presidential guard could be


G – Did you not see the picture of Lord Mandelson on the pages of news papers recently walking his dog?

K – You mean the British Business Secretary?
G - Yes

K – Are you referring to when he was spotted walking his dog Jack outside his north London home?
G – Did you notice that in his left hand he clutched a plastic bag containing that which all dogs, when given fresh air and a clean patch of pavement, inevitably do?

K – Yes, the man used his own hands and not the hands of a poor gateman like you to remove the waste from his dog while walking it.
G – So, Britain has a law that forces people to remove their dog’s shiit when walking it? Can that happen here? A minister to remove dog’s shiit? The PA of our Oga will not even do a thing like that let alone our Oga Himself?

K – Abomination! Oga to pack dog shiit? You are talking nonsense; Oga’s PA will employ a dog keeper instead, even the keeper will not remove the dog’s shiit on the street of Abuja
G – (Laughs with head hanging) … but Oga will remove the dog’s shiit if British pounds are lined in it (laughs louder)

K – Is Lord Mandelson not a minister like our Oga?
G – But Minister pass minister ooooo.

K - Senator here na MP for there and Minister here na Secretary for there ….. so what’s the difference?

G – Na lie, I hear say them dey practice parliamentary while we dey follow presidential and how come Mandelson is a Lord or abi is Honorable equal to Lord?
K – I have always told you that your half education will do you more harm than good

G- Don’t digress, Lord Mandelson did what he did because there are CCTVs everywhere in the UK, moreover there were journalists everywhere and he simply wanted to be leading by example ….. to be exemplary, finito.

K – You will be lucky not to die of ignorance …… tell me, which country in the world needs more exemplary leaders than us?
G – Come on, this people can pretend a lot you know

K – If pretence can change our country and reverse the abysmal destruction I think our leaders should start pretending.

G – But Oga is already pretending
K – What do you mean?

G – I heard oga cut down his ministry’s budget sent to the presidency for approval from N35.6 billion to N35.5 billion
K – Yes, your block head got something right for once, yet the approval to refurbish is official residence came faster from the presidency than the entire ministry’s budget anyway.

G – The most important thing is that the budget was approved.
K – Yes, but my friend Kasali who is an office messenger in the ministry told me their salary was delayed for 4 months before it was finally approved. His daughter who passed her JAMB exams therefore couldn’t register in the University because there was no money while Oga’s daughter studies in Cambridge.

G – Where is Cambridge University? I have heard so about it
K – It is in America

G – Are you sure
K – Just gu-gul it

G – How?
K – Look for it in yahoo and the machine will tell you where Cambridge University is

G – ehen …. You mean I can gu-gul Ladoke Akintola University, Ogbomosho where my cousin attended and I will get all the information about it
K – You dey craze, I beg I dey go (walked away)

G – wetin I talk wey you don dey ves now ….. ok cu next time

Bury me anywhere but not in Nigeria

By Dele Oluwole

“A country where death traps are called roads, incessant armed robbery/police attacks on hardworking individuals have become a way of life, and where constant power supply can not be guaranteed for 4 hours a day is not worth returning to…… not many citizens leaving abroad would proudly call a country with so much evil credentials home” – Chukwuemeka O.O

Before asking for the heads of Nigerians working abroad that dread returning home please take the courage to inculcate some decorum in the Nigerian police force, repair the death traps called roads, and advise the rogues called politicians to grow up. Nigerians leaving abroad wouldn’t ask for too much, they are not even asking for 24 hours power supply.

Helping to build ones county is a civic responsibility but not when you know that your life could be snuffed out by a trigger happy half educated police officer for a paltry 20 naira note or simply for driving an expensive car, and definitely not when you nurse the fear that an illiterate lorry driver who can not identify a stop road sign can run into you on the motorway and leave you paralysed.

Chukwuemeka left the shore of the country for greener pasture in Finland some 18 years a go; he worked hard, became successful, and married a finish woman. He never minced words about how much love he had for Nigeria his country of birth; he was always quick to tell everyone how he cherished returning home. He believed strongly that life abroad can never be compared to the freedom and wonderful relationships enjoyed back home.

He told his children several times how wonderful it will be for them to finally return to the country where their father came from. He told them about the natural Owu waterfalls, the Yankari game reserve and he didn’t also forget to tell them how unified the people are in diversity. His wife was fascinated with the fact that over 200 languages are spoken in one country.

Chukwuemeka’s experience on one of the Finish motorways was the last straw needed for him to finally return to Nigeria; he had been humiliated by a Finish transport police officer who did not only delay him to the extent that he missed picking his sons from school but dehumanised him in the name of routine stop and search. Just two weeks after the unimaginable motorway experience he received a mail that his two sons will be taken away from him by the social security department because he arrived two hours late at their school and for leaving them unattended for two hours, they therefore do not think he is capable of taking good care of the boys. The social department also wrote in their letter “on this occasion you will not be prosecuted because we have had no previous records of you abandoning your children”.

He thought there couldn’t be a better time to return to his beloved country, he therefore proudly decided to start planning his final return to Nigeria. It would be an understatement if one says his wife and children were in high spirits when he broke the news to them; they were so delighted and thought the relocation would be the best thing to have happened to the family at that time.

The news of their return soon got to his neighbours as his children announced it proudly at school. Before long, he put up his house for sale and because of the location the house was gone in just two weeks. The quick sale of the house exhilarated the family as delay in selling the house could have probably been the only setback to their dream of returning home and would have spelt doom for them.

His wife shopped for light clothing for the family while Chukwuemeka spent most of his time on the phone sealing the deal of a temporary duplex accommodation in the GRA area of Ikeja. Three days later they were received at the MM international airport by family and friends. The warm reception at the airport was a moment that will for long be treasured by the children and his wife. Chukwuemeka couldn’t be happier as he was proud to have his family warmly received by his people.

The wife was eager to explore Lagos, the populous city of aquatic splendour, so neither the obscenity of the rickety Molue buses nor the maddening scenes that characterise places like CMS, Ojuelegba, and Oshodi during peak hours come as a surprise to her and the children as Chukwuemeka had already prepared their minds well in advance. Two weeks after arriving in Nigeria their experience in the country was full of fun as everything was moving on well like the script from a movie until one Saturday night.

They had gone out to attend the birthday party of one of Chukwuemeka’s friends from university days, when they got back home they immediately retired to the bedroom while the children got busy with the Nintendo game in the living room. The bedroom door suddenly opened unusually and instantly without turning, with a tone heralding authority Chukwuemeka’s wife reminded the children the need to go to bed immediately when out of the blue a thunderous slap with deafening sound like thunder landed on her left cheek.

Chukwuemeka who was half asleep woke up terrified to find his two Sons escorted into the room with their wrists tied behind their back, behind them were three gun totting robbers who now ordered everyone in the room to go flat on the floor. The robbers took away all they had; money, clothes, and jewelleries. The armed robbers asked for their Finish passports, that was just the clue they needed to conclude that the robbery operation was an inside job with first hand information about them, but fortunately for the Finish returnees their passports where at the Malaysian embassy where they had applied for tourist Visas a day before.

The encounter with the armed robbers was so traumatic for the children that they remained awake for many nights; the children’s agony coupled with his wife’s pressure to return to Finland made Chukwuemeka’s decide it was time to go back to Finland with his family. On the night of departure, the children’s joy had no bound and as they travelled through Ikeja to the MM international airport their car was flagged down at a police check point just three miles away from the airport. They were immediately ordered out of the car to be identified. The leader of the uniformed men took Chukwuemeka into the police vehicle, showed him locally made short guns, and said “cooperate otherwise my boys will spray you all and brand you as escaping armed robbers”. Their four luggages which had their passports were taken away and never recovered.

The next day, they were at the Finish embassy for the travel documents that would enable them return to Helsinki. The visa officer told Chukwuemeka to go and retrieve the passports from whoever he sold them to. She said she had lost count of the number of Nigerians with the finish indefinite leave to remain who falsely declared their travel documents missing in recent times, but his wife was assured 24 hours safe return to Finland. She was also offered hotel accommodation pending when her Finish travel documents will be ready. She did not only turn down the offers but promised not to leave the premises of the embassy until her husband and two children are issued Finish travel documents.

The good news is that the four members of the family have since returned to Helsinki in one piece but not after the knife hedge battle with the finish embassy that lasted for 6 weeks. Chukwuemeka may have returned into the pain of an adopted country but it’s far better than the incessant pandemonium of his country of birth. His two children were so traumatised by the armed robbery experience that they had to undergo psychiatric treatment for two years.

Chukwuemeka has since given up on Nigeria and did strongly warned his wife and children who are now 16 and 19 not to bury him in Nigeria when he dies, he once jokingly said he would rise if his body is buried anywhere called Nigeria. He kept telling his friends that his body can be buried anywhere in the world but not in Nigeria - not even in the Nigerian waters.

That’s what I call the fury of a man whose country lost forever.

Modern Mathematics

Equation 1 Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy Donkey = eat + sleep Substituting, Human = Donkey + work + enjoy Therefore, Human - enjoy = Donkey + work In other words, Human that don't know enjoy = Donkey that work

Equation 2 Men = eat + sleep + earn money Donkeys = eat + sleep Substituting, Men = Donkeys + earn money Therefore, Men - earn money = Donkeys In other words, Men that don't earn money = Donkeys

Equation 3 Women = eat + sleep + spend Donkeys = eat + sleep Substituting, Women = Donkeys + spend Therefore, Women - spend = Donkeys In other words, Women that don't spend = Donkeys

Conclusion From Equation 2 and Equation 3 Men that don't earn money = Women that don't spend. So, Men earn money not to let women become Donkeys! (Postulate 1) And, Women spend not to let men become Donkeys! (Postulate 2) So, we have... Men + Women = Donkeys + earn money + Donkeys + spend money Therefore...from Postulates 1 and 2, we can conclude Man + Woman = 2 Donkeys that live happily together!

MOBITEL MD: My husband was shot …. and the Police pathologist disappears

…. a country to return to?
The Jigsaw puzzle created by Thursday’s mysterious death of Mobitel President, Engr. Alaba Joseph, began to fall in place yesterday as widow of the late telecom chief insisted that her husband was shot. Murdered!

Twenty four hours after Joseph died in controversial circumstances, his junior wife, Mrs. Folashade Joseph, told journalists in Lagos that her husband could not have killed himself.

Engr. Joseph, on Thursday morning was found dead in a pool of his own blood shortly after Kemi Pinhero, the Reciever Manager appointed by a commercial bank in Lagos to take over Mobitel Nigeria Limited had left his office, accompanied by armed policemen.

Folashade who said she was shaken about what should naturally be a period of mourning because of the media report that suggested that her husband committed suicide said doctor’s preliminary autopsy investigation has shown a perfect hole of about one centimetre width that resembled a bullet hole was found on the corner of Joseph’s right eye.
Looking downcast and fagged out, Folashade said she had to break the custom to challenge the crude characterization of her husband as a violent man.

Her words: "They say our Alaba killed himself, well we ask you to hold your opinion until the investigations are complete. Perhaps we might then learn how a perfect hole of about one centimetre that resembled a bullet hole came to appear on the corner of Alaba’s right eye.
"How a man who is alleged to have jumped to his death came to lie in a position which is totally at odds with any idea of a jump or any other action taken with free will".
"And why Kemi Pinheiro and his armed companions had to flee and leave my husband to die in a pool of his blood".

According to her, the idea that her husband killed himself over Mobitel’s debt to a commercial bank is ludicrous. "He was working level to reschedule the company’s debt, and had reached an advanced stage of negotiation with the bank. She said that the bank chose to appoint a Reciever Manager did not surprise Joseph. "What he had not anticipated, and could not have anticipated, was the speed and ferocity with which Kemi Pinheiro sought to take physical control of a company that he did not build".
Folasade also disclosed that her husband left their VGC home in good spirit, had no reason to run and jump. "The problem Mobitel has with the bank was not his personal problem. It was a corporate problem and even to look at it critically, the company’s assets alone can offset the debt", she reasoned.
In his own remarks, Prof. Fred Adegoke, the head of Joseph family declared that the family will not leave any stone unturned to get to the bottom of the issue.

The family head lamented the statement credited to Lagos Police command that Charles Joseph committed suicide. His words: "It is unbelievable that Lagos state Commissioner of Police made such statement when autopsy had not even been conducted.

By yesterday afternoon, however, the Inspector General of Police, Mr Sunday Ehindero, had stepped into thhe matter. Saturday Sun gathered that the IGP ordered that the four policemen who went with Pinheiro to Mobitel be detained.
They were already being detained at the Bar Beach police station as at the time of going to press yesterday.

In a related development, Association of Telecommunica-tions Companies of Nigeria (ATCON) has called on the Presidency and Minister of Communications, Chief Cornelius Adebayo, to bring about swift investigation of the circumstances of the death of their president.
"We urge that a judicial body of inquiry be empanelled to unravel the roles played by the bank, Pinheiro (who is billed to be made a Senior Advocate of Nigeria [SAN[ next week) and the Nigeria Police". ATCON further pleaded.

...... and the Police patholigist disappears
ABUJA— THE Police in Abuja have declared the pathologist that conducted the autopsy on the late MOBITEL boss, Mr. Charles Alaba Joseph, wanted following the discovery that he (Police pathologist) had absconded. The pathologist had shocked the world when he revealed in the autopsy report that the late Mr. Joseph did not commit suicide as widely reported but that he was killed.

The controversy surrounding the claims and counter claims by both the family of the deceased and his business associates had prompted the Inspector-General of Police, Mr. Sunday Ehindero, to order that the Force Criminal Investigations Department take over the case. It was during the investigations by the FCID that it was discovered that the Police pathologist had absconded.

Pressed to disclose what could have informed that decision of the pathologist to abscond, a police source told Vanguard that his life might have been under threat or that something unthinkable might have happened to him.

On how the disappearance of the pathologist would affect the investigations or the autopsy report, the source said he was needed to physically authenticate his findings.
On Friday, September 16, the late Mr. Alaba Joseph was said to have jumped to death from his Lagos high-rise corporate headquarters.
http://nm.onlinenigeria.com/templates/?a=5286&z=12
http://nm.onlinenigeria.com/templates/default.aspx?a=5529&z=12

The Nigerian Shame In London II: ‘Kongi’ Soap Doesn’t Wash Off Shame

By Dele Oluwole

“Woe to the wicked! Disaster is upon them! They will be paid back for what their hands have done” - Isaiah 3:11

The nose went hysterical with laughter as the eyes shed tears not knowing that it’s only a matter of time before it begins to drip uncontrollably too. An adult unlike the underage has more power of choice, which is why the weight of the law most time comes down more on him when he errs. And because it is just a thin line between what is expedient and what is good, God knowing fully well that men will attempt to hide behind the finger of expedience to perpetrate evil and hurt each other says in the Holy Bible that ‘not all that is expedient is good’. Dele Giwa paraphrasing the Bible said “Any evil done to man by man will surely be redressed if not by man definitely by God for the victory of evil over good can only be temporary. The responses to ‘The Nigerian shame in London’ part one where most Nigerians justified the shameful act of scamming is a pointer to one thing; that the Nigerian followership is as bad as the leadership. The followership is therefore fast breeding the likes of Babangida, Alamieyeseigha, Ofonogoro, Babatope, Ikimi, Abacha, Wayas, Uba, Akinloye, Nzeribe, Merije, Fayoshe, Tafa, et cetera.

Since not many people agreed to the exposition on the disgraceful attitudes of some Nigerians in London I have therefore resolved to further provide more objective analysis and culls of responses for the benefit of those who may yet have change of hearts to condemn what these scammers and spoilers do to affect our lives in totality, remember they are reading as well. They are our brothers and sisters as whatever affects the nose must take its toll on the eyes as well.

We have had so many terrible and heart breaking stories about Nigerians in the UK, shall we now sweep them under the carpet and pretend everything is alright? The nose suffers too kee! We have heard and seen people suffer directly as a result of the shameful attitudes of our brothers and sisters in London. An example is Jah Guda, response to ‘The Nigerian shame in London’ - Part I on the village square;

Jah Guda
“My friend has just started a business here in London; he set up two months ago and has been unable to open a business account with any of the major banks. Now he is trying to open an account with one of the building societies. It is a problem that affects innocent Nigerians and we all know what Western societies are like, they will constantly dwell on the negative, their argument is ‘good news does not sell newspapers’. Only last week another Nigerian was jailed for swindling £2 million from the bank accounts of Halifax building society customers, this made TV, radio and print news”.

The BBC got so much commendation each time they exposed bad Nigerians, hence so much search light is placed on us. Because of the recent development it has become a way of life for Nigerians to be the most delayed and interrogated by the police when stopped on the streets of London. A friend told me recently that a police officer stopped a Nigerian for searching and asked for his identity; he immediately claimed to be a Jamaican, the officer told him to keep quiet and said “I know a Nigerian when I see one”. ‘Omo ale ni fi owo osi juwe ile Baba re’. It is only a child that has paternity limbo surrounding his birth that will condescendingly point to his father house with a left finger.

A young Nigerian graduate who came to London to write a professional examination left his luggage that had his Nigerian passport in a car only to return to discover that the car was gone. When he reported the incident to the police he was advised to go and recover it wherever he hid it as they have countless record of false claims of missing Nigerian passports, so his report was not taken seriously by the police. He was stranded for weeks, overstayed his visitor’s visa, and lost the opportunity to ever return to the UK. Nigerians have become a source of cheap headlines for the media so much so that even the BBC Radio ran several documentaries on Nigerians. The most remarkable one was about one Mrs Owolabi whose charity organisation that was being partly funded by the government fell flat for the Somali bait set by the BBC. The undercover journalist uncovered how she has been a racketeer that was providing fake National Insurance numbers for employment purpose. I was ashamed by her denial when confronted with the recorded conversation she had with the BBC planted Somali, she even swore by her children before the BBC radio crew just to prove she was innocent.

We also read about the Nigerian born British Immigration officer that was selling British indefinite resident permits. When she was detained the newspaper reported that loads of fake resident permits were discovered in her apartment and also apprehended in the apartment was a young man who just arrived from Nigeria with one of those fake permits.

Some people dread to associate with Nigerians and those who dare pay dearly by being on guard 24/7; an example is Patricia M. Daboh who responded to “The Nigerian shame in London part I” posted on http://www.nigeriansinamerica.com

Patricia the Valour
“Hello. I really enjoyed your article. Although I am not Nigerian, I too, feel what you are feeling. I am an African American woman who married a Nigerian man on January 4, 2007 in Apapa, Lagos, Nigeria. Ever since I told my family and friends about my choice, I have had to be on the defense. It is like the mention of the word Nigeria brings distaste to many people, for Nigeria is well known for scams. I walk in the bank and I see signs about not doing any business dealings with Nigerians. My husband and stepson should join me in the states next month, and still, people tell me to "be careful" with him. One thing I did not know is that Nigerians were known for their athletic ability. That is very good to hear! I really never knew what mixed couples go through, but now I do. It is like I go around with my fist up on the inside always ready to defend my decision and my husband if someone says something very insensitive about him and my stepson. Although Nigerians are well known in America for their schemes, that does not mean all Nigerians are like that. I met many Nigerian people that were humble, lovely, honest, and kind. Unfortunately the number of Nigerians that take advantage of people are increasing yearly. I get an e-mail from Nigeria telling me I have won a lottery . .and you know the rest. Recently, someone e-mailed me and asked me to help a teengage, Nigerian boy. Although she never asked me for funds directly, she sent me correspondence of the conversations she had with this supposedly teenage boy, and in those e-mails, he did ask her for funds. She responded that she was unable to help him. I wrote an article (blog), and she got my e-mail address and contacted me that way. She asked me to help him! However, my stern reply let her know that I would "never" send funds to anyone in Nigeria, or America, without personally knowing the person. How do I know his story is true--I don't? How do I know that she and this person are not working together--I don't. I was taken advantage of by a person who identified himself as a Nigerian man, and I will never put myself in that position again! If I do not know you personally, I do not loan or send you funds or do anything financial on your behalf--bottom line!! With all this deception going on, one has to be careful. So although I am not Nigerian, I still feel the shame of Nigeria's bad reputation. When Nigeria's economic situation is changed, then perhaps the schemes will decrease. Desperate people, although that is no excuse for manipulation, sometimes do desperate things! Excellent article . . .I know how you feel.”

Some Nigerians prefer to pour out their venoms on writers who dare to write on topics like this instead of addressing the subject matter and condemn the perpetrators. They claimed the articles labels and that it’s just a way of lazily re-echoing what they already know. If they know it why have they not done anything about it? They should remember that no amount of garnishing will change evil because evil will always remain evil. ‘Ti ako ba sofun Obayeje pe on baye je aro pe awon jo tu Ilu se ni’ If you don’t confront a clandestine saboteur he’ll think you are together in the business of nation building’. When we keep quiet we do not only condone this appalling acts, we also support them in principle. ‘Woe unto them that keep quiet in the face of crises’. A Nigerian who was not bold enough to disclose his identity responded to Patricia M. Daboh comment on part 1 of this article posted on http://www.nigeriansinamerica.com/

The anonymous Villain
“Yeah, yeah another Naija bashing! Cant we get something else to talk about? I feel your concern but I must say I feel the Western media are just magnifying the issue of Nigerian scammers just as they magnify the issue of Blacks on welfare (for your inf. do you know there are more whites on welfare than blacks?) but you will never know becoz the media with thier hidden agenda continue to show and publicize only blacks on welfare. As for the case of 419. It is share greed on the part of the duped that make them get duped in the first place! How can I tell you I have an unclaimed amount of money and I need your account and a token amount to clear it and you believe? Where do you know me from? The internet? You see what I mean? I do sympathize with the scammed but there is a spiritual law that says what goes round comes round or chicken come to roost. White people from the time of Christopher Columbus have raped, duped and cheated natives of their land and rightful inheritance. Its no surprise to me we are witnessing this on their descendants. When you sow the wind, you reap the whirl wind. Nuff said!”

……..and Patricia fired back some scud missiles:
“No one is bashing Nigeria, but it cannot be denied, especially by those of us who receive weekly e-mail schemes from Nigeria asking for our help in trying to retrieve funds from some type of lottery, that Nigeria is known for its many schemes. We are not making up these things, but it is really happening to many of us! If something is a fact, than it is a fact. And until those facts change and are replaced by more positive facts, than, unfortunately, the numerous schemes that come out of Nigeria will be the focus. Of course, the recent elections, and all the negative things that happened during the elections, does not help Nigeria's image as well. Every country is known for something positive and negative. Unfortunately, again, this seems to be a time when the world is focusing on all the negative things that are coming out of Nigeria (schemes, poverty, electricity shortages, and fraud). If anyhone is tired about the negative things that are being said about Nigeria, which I fully understand your feelings, than write a positive article about Nigeria. Give readers something positive to focus on to balance out the scale of people's negative perception of Nigeria”.

On a final note, If it will take a non Nigerian who by marriage has become one of us to hammer home the truth that will sink in us so be it. ‘Oloorun kin gborun arere’. A stinky person does not perceive himself. Until we decide to address and uproot the source of the shame in our own little ways nothing will change, shame is shame and no amount of laundering can remove it …… not even the popular ‘Kongi’ soap.

“Woe to the wicked! Disaster is upon them! They will be paid back for what their hands have done” - Isaiah 3:11

British Terrace Houses: ‘Nigerians A Step Ahead’

By Dele Oluwole

My father gave me an invaluable advice some years a go, he said ‘never step out of your door to attend a party or visit a friend without first killing your appetite’. In order words, don’t always anticipate that food will be served at parties or wherever you’re visiting. He said ‘when you go to parties with at least a half full stomach you will be saved from unnecessarily salivating each time you anticipate to be served or when you are harassed by nice aroma from the kitchen. You will be able to at least watch with rebuff and enjoy your party when some rude waiters deliberately pass you by without asking to serve you. You can afford to ignore whoever thinks he’s got the exclusive right to serve you whenever he deems appropriate, especially ‘Owanbe’. Kabba people will say ‘elu le eda tinu oni nu’. You don’t loose what is in your stomach when you stumble or fall flat on the ground. But contrary to my father’s words of wisdom I make sure I visit my friends in the UK who leave in terrace houses in empty stomach.

My uncle was in the UK for a visit and was amazed to realise that he had to pass through the kitchen to get into the toilet. He wondered if this is the so called British civilisation where there is a thin wall between where you upload and offload. He said ‘no one will ever design such houses in Nigeria’. I said ‘but Uncle these people taught us architectural engineering’ and building technology. He replied ‘Aburo, forget this ‘Oyibos’, when they do mistakes because of the investment they’ll always claim it’s a new fashion or new design ….. they don’t admit to error easily’ I then suddenly remembered that Nigerian houses are designed in a way that toilets and kitchens are far apart. I know we do not appreciate these two sides of our lives being too close probably because of the associated discomfort, but not the British anyway.

I remember visiting a family friend and when I requested to use what the Americans will call rest room for the big one, I excused myself, walked through the kitchen where my friend’s wife was preparing some ‘Edika-hikon’ and ‘eba’. When I eventually started to launching I was careful not to allow nature make the usual blast. I was managing and managing until nature decided to disappoint, suddenly a very loud and heavy one that its reverberation could be likened to the 27th January 2002 Lagos bomb blast came down. I couldn’t believe the sound myself knowing fully well that whoever was in the kitchen would have heard the mismanagement. Because of my heavy carbohydrate diets I do not need anyone to tell me that noise of blasts escape from the toilet whenever I engaged it, so I would normally take extra caution especially when not doing it at home. Some measures I take to envelope the noise include running the tap or singing praise songs at the top of my voice.

In Nigeria you don’t need to play such games just because you are in a toilet, you have a master bed room or guest toilet where you can blast off the roof. Sorry, not only that, the conductors shouts of Och-uo-di, mushi, Agege, CMS, Oju-ele-gbaaa, hold ya chey-sssh will help to douse the blasting. Nigerians are so civilised that aside their houses being great architectural designs also make sure that toilets and kitchen are at the two extremes of their houses. In the popular ‘face me I face you’, you will have to walk about 10 metres from your room to use the rest room.

Aside decency it is only hygienic that the toilet and kitchen are far apart from each other as your visit to the toilet is like granting the bacteria in the toilet visa to the outside world and it is not impossible for the stubborn ones among them to seek asylum in the kitchen as you walk through. The excuse the British gives for the poor terrace design is that in the 50s the houses where built with separate toilets that had to be shared among four or five houses ….. hoops! Were there bathrooms then? No, how then did they clean up? During winter once in a week, and in summer thrice a week soaked towel was the answer. Whereas In the 50s in Africa I remembered my Dad saying they do the big one in the bushes far from the villages and farms and bathed in moving streams and waterfalls.

Talking of discipline now, when I was growing up I dared not attempt to visit the toilet while at the dinning, if I did then I must not return to continue eating. My Dad believes it’s covetous to attempt to offload your bowel in order to make room for unfinished food. So, its either you visit the toilet to offload your bowel before joining him at the dinning or load to offload later. Unlike Nigerians who are so considerate that they don’t clear their nostril in the public places as those around may be offended, in the UK I have seen instances in the bus or train where people openly blew their nostril into tissue papers or handkerchiefs. I remember two occasions in the canteen where people cleared their nostrils with heavy blast while I enjoyed the popular fish and chips. If this is done in Nigeria you will be openly reprimanded.

Most average Nigerians at least can afford flats with master bed room, but since my sojourn in Europe aside hotel rooms I have only come across master bed room twice. I have never been to America so I wouldn’t know their pattern of house design. I guess Nigerians have overtaken their colonial masters in this aspect, I wonder if we can overtake them in other areas like politics and technology as well.

My friend who was a manager in an IT firm in Port Harcourt had a well furnished and air conditioned three-bed room flat with a master bed room only to arrive in London where he had to share a two-bedroom flat with five other guys and a lady. They take their turn on the single toilet and bathroom, so to hear blasts from the toilet when cooking in the kitchen became a way of life. He said for the first 3 months it was difficult for him to cope with the fact that toilet and kitchen are together. He is now established in the UK and when he moved out of the terrace he rented another one where he stays with his wife and kids as he no longer see anything wrong with it. I am sure he will not build anything like a terrace house when he returns back to Nigeria.

Monkey no come back from Market

A 37-year-old herbalist, Monsuru Alimi, is now gnashing his teeth in a police cell, regretting refusing to heed the warning of his oracle not to perpetrate crime.
The suspect, who claimed to be an Ifa priest, was arrested along with two others for armed robbery at Ijegun in the Alimosho Local Government Area yesterday.
He said the oracle warned him that trouble was looming for him and his gang if he persisted in criminal activities.
Confessing
•L-R: The robbery susptects, Prince Ubah, Ugochukwu Gabriel and the herbalist, Monsuru Alimi. Photo: Olatunji Obasa.to policemen at the Area ‘G’ Police Divisional Headquarters, Ogba, shortly after they were nabbed and handed over by policemen from Ijegun Police Station, Monsuru admitted that greed and selfishness landed him in trouble.
The three robbery suspects Ugochukwu Gabriel, 21, of 39, Alhaji Suleiman Street Ijegun; Prince Uba and Monsuru Alimi of 1, Alhaji Monsuru Street, Ijegun, were arrested after allegedly breaking into a shop owned by Mallam Seidu Amodu at gunpoint around 2 a.m. yesterday.
According to sources at Area ‘G’ where they are being detained for further investigation by the anti-robbery team ‘E’ led by Corporal Emmanuel Orobiyi, the gang must have been operating for a long time.
This is because in their earlier confessions to the police at Ijegun, one of the suspects, Ugochukwu, was said to have explained how the herbalist, Monsuru, had led them to an operation in Mushin.
“It was Nuru that introduced me to this business (robbery). I was selling Tokunbo handsets and undertaking phone repairs when I met Monsuru who was then living at Mushin through Nuru.
“Mosuru introduced us to the Mushin Operation where we robbed an Igbo Man who sells hot drinks,” Ugochukwu said.
On how they came about the locally made pistol found on them, Ugochukwu and Monsuru traded blames.
They accused each other of being the owner of the firearm.
While Monsuru claimed that he helped Ugochukwu to retrieve the said gun from Nuru, Ugochukwu denied knowing anything about the gun, adding that the operation in the Mallam’s shop was carried out with scissors and not gun.
He said he was surprised when the gun was retrieved from Monsuru.
The suspects through their confessions were able to expose the fact that they belong to a secret cult known as Eye Confraternity, and that they were introduced for “Initiation and blending” by Nuru, the cult leader cum gang leader.
Nuru was introduced to them by Monsuru.
In his own confession, Prince Uba said that was the first time he would operate with them, and that it was Ugochukwu who invited him for the operation in the Mallam’s shop which they carried out successfully, and the loot taken to Monsuru’s house for sharing.
He said he did not know how the police were alerted and they were rounded-up with the loot and gun recovered from them.
Prince claimed to be an Okrika (second-hand) clothes hawker at Ikotun bus-stop before his misadventure into robbery.
The suspects who are being investigated by police constable Kayode Olusegun owned up to the robbery carried out in the Mallam’s shop which is situated in the same building where Ugochukwu lives. Ugochukwu said accommodation problem, as a result of the quit notice he received from his landlady, made him to participate in robbery.
Monsuru, who always assured his gang members that they could never be arrested because of his vast knowledge in juju, was intermittently saying: “Ha! Ifa warned me O! Ifa told me that there was no way in the operation, but greed pushed me into this mess.”
The victim, Mallam Amodu from Niger Republic, was speechless. He was only begging the police to ensure that his goods were returned, since that was his only source of livelihood.
Mr. Mobolaji Odesanya, an assistant commissioner of police and commander, Area ‘G’, told P.M.News that the arrest of robbers has become a routine for his command, saying: “It’s our duty and assignment to apprehend offenders.”

culled from PM news (By Jide Osokoya)

http://thepmnews.com/2008/04/30/my-oracle-warned-us-%e2%80%94robbery-suspect