The Nigerian Shame in London

Written by Dele Oluwole

I was having a nice time at work as some nice Nigerian indigenous tunes blast from my headphones. An uncle some time a go advised that I turned my eyes away from the monitor every 10 minutes to avoid an eye defect, I can not remember the medical name now but the symptom is blood clot in the eyes. So I turned my eyes away for another 5 seconds, looked around as usual and suddenly caught the eyes of a colleague who was directly opposite my desk. He smiled and I smiled back, he stood up, walked up to my desk, and showed to me his mobile phone that had a miscall from Nigeria +234805 …… as he smiled even before uttering a word my heart skipped hoping to hear from him that a Nigerian wanted to or had already scammed him. My fear is only natural having read and watched so much discouraging and derogatory bulletins about Nigerians in London recently.

On Monday this week during lunch I went across my office to order a pack of sandwich, as it was being prepared my eyes caught a caption on a daily newspaper that was on the table. I then sat down to flip through only to discover that a Nigerian is being tried in London for yet another scam that was up to the tune of £800,000. His name is ‘Ade’-something and in his late 40s. Among the many cars he had was Bentley, travelled to Nigerian severally with suitcases full of pound sterling, has lots of property and investment in Lagos and Abuja. He has been swindling people of their money in the group of a Jamaican woman and a British man for over 6 years. The judge who is yet to pronounce his judgement said the Nigerian will definitely be jailed and deported afterwards. We have heard of those who were jailed and deported only to return under different identities, so deportation is not a panacea.

In 2004, A Nigerian friend just came in from Denmark and walked into one of the Halifax bank branches in London to open an account. He was being pleasantly attended to by a customer service advisor who took his details and passed him over to the head office to complete the process over the phone. According to my friend the person at the other end was also polite as he took some more details and finally asked for his nationality, proudly he said ‘Nigerian’ immediately he was told to give the receiver to the Advisor who started the account opening process. The customer service advisor now said ‘sorry sir we can not open an account for you’. My friend demanded to know why and why the person he spoke with over the phone suddenly became cold when he disclosed his Nationality. I am not sure how reliable this is but I learnt that this bank has stopped opening bank account for Nigerians carrying the National passport.

The bad eggs among us have a way of affecting the lives of the innocents. My people will say ‘the trouble being brewed by a one ‘legged’ man will be shouldered by his two ‘legged’ brother’. I couldn’t open an account with Barclays bank in 2003 because the personal banker manhandled my passport while scrutinising it for likely defect; I got angry, collected it, and walked out of the branch. ‘Monkey no fine but him mama like am’. After all if the passport becomes roughened as he scrutinised it my immigration officer brothers for MM airport go ask for ‘entitlement’ before them allow me enter my country. ‘Bi ebiti opeku asi fi eyin fun eleyin’ if the trap refuses to catch a game it should be courageous enough to return the palm kernel bait to the owner.
Some years back we were known for football entertainment and gradually toiling the path of Brazil but today one thing synonymous to that name Nigeria is scam. Just type in ‘Scam’ and ‘Nigeria’ into Youtube search you will be amazed with what will come up.

The British postal authority, Royal Mail stopped employing Nigerians because of the BBC documentary in 2006. I watched the documentary in disbelieve as a Nigerian who was working for Royal mail and who is also from the eastern part of Nigeria opened his cavity wide and narrated to a hidden camera how Nigerian Royal mail workers sell credit cards. ‘Ole lo le to ese ole lori apata’, it takes a thief to trace another thief’s foot prints on the mountain. How did he know that Nigerians working at Royal mail sell details’ of credit cards in transit to syndicates outside? The BBC guys did a good job though as they trailed a syndicate, a Nigerian from the western Nigeria who did not realise he was been secretly filmed boasted about how he travels to America to spend stolen credit card, he even showed the undercover journalist who is also a Nigerian his Mercedes Benz CLK and house. ‘Omo ino lan ron sino’ The best intermediary to a Dragon is its child.

My Jamaican mechanic once told me that Nigerians have taken over the lead of scam from Jamaicans in London. He said gone are those days when Jamaicans were dreaded because they could swindle you of your hard earned money. The premise of his argument is the BBC news on Nigerians caught by British police helicopter unit who were dismantling Mercedes Benz for shipping to Lagos. What Nigerians are known for is fast spreading to other strata of the British society; a Zimbabwean family once refused to attend a church in the UK because the pastor is a Nigerian. I try as much as possible not to travel on the London public buses because of the way my brothers and sisters constitute nuisances either when speaking to each other or when on their mobile phones.

Back to my colleague at work o jare, this time it’s not what I was thinking. The Nigerian number flashed him several times; he wanted to know who it was and where the call was coming from. So he searched for the country codes thorough Google and discovered it’s a Nigerian number, which was why he laughed and came across to me for reconfirmation.
I breathe sigh of relief, oh God …. not again, not in my office, and not my source of Gari.

Go for a medical check up if you don’t snore

Written by Dele Oluwole




Even though my non-capital intensive research is yet non conclusive, I am in no doubt that the UNO or the medical council of any country will approve it as I have not spent a penny in this personal study compared to the British National Hospital Service (NHS) that has spent millions of pounds sterling researching into how to combat snoring, they even have specialist ‘snoring’ hospital.
I started my research into the benefit(s) of snoring in 1997 and the interest began when on a particular night during a group reading session while preparing for a semester examination with a new female acquaintance. We where in a lecture hall with some other students, at about 2am my body did not just fail and I dozed off but treated my female friend and fellow students in the lecture hall to some melodious snoring tunes that could be likened to the sound of the crane that demolished the Kubwa settlement in Abuja last year. The other students in the hall became uncomfortable and as they gestured and laughed my female friend had to stylishly and ‘technically’ wake me up. I became apprehensive not because the hall was filled with so many students but because my application for a date with my female friend was still pending and I felt the ‘bulldozer’ snoring sound I made may negate the success of the application. If you read on you will know if the application was successful.
What qualifies me as a researcher in ‘snoring’ despite having a master’s degree in computing? According to my dictionary, a researcher is a scholar who can, or will in time through learning and experience, demonstrate:
specialized knowledge or expertise, conceptual and intellectual capacities such as the ability to identify and frame key problems, to think critically and analytically, and to generate and communicate interesting and original insights.
· research skills such as the ability to use sources effectively, to gather and organize information, to analyze text, data and theory.
· personal attributes such as the ambition and ability to work to high standards, to take initiative and responsibility, to be well organized in one's procedures and balanced in one's judgements, to collaborate well with others where appropriate, and to take on board and incorporate constructive criticism.[1]
I have all the above so what else?
What qualifies my theory and makes me a notable theorist of the likes of Albert Bandura, Erving Goffman, and Lawrence Kohlberg even though I was born a year after Abraham Maslow’s death? My dictionary says theory is a framework for assumption-based logical reasoning.

Notable theorists of adult Learning and human resource development are Abraham Maslow, Albert Bandura, Donald A. Schon, Donald Kirkpatrick, Eduard C. Lindeman, Edward Lee Thorndike. I have been made to understand that some of them do not even have a master’s degree, so with due respect what makes their theories better than mine other than the fact that they popularise theirs some centuries ago?

Let me run you through the profiles of just three of the notable theorists; Abraham Maslow’s contributions include the Hierarchy of Needs. He is also considered the founder of Humanistic Psychology. Abraham was born on April 1, 1908. He earned a B.A. in Psychology in 1930 from City College of New York. He earned a M.A. in 1931 from Cornell University In addition, a Ph.D. in 1934 from the University of Wisconsin.

Albert Bandura was born December 4, 1925, in the small town of Mundare in northern Alberta, Canada. He received his bachelor’s degree in Psychology from the University of British Columbia in 1949. He went on to the University of Iowa, where he received his Ph.D. in 1952

Edward Lee Thorndike, was born in Williamsburg, Aug. 31, 1874, he was a major figure in several fields of psychology: learning theory, applied psychology, and mental measurement. [2] But he does not have a master’s degree.

Will the heavens fall if we include Dele Oluwole in the list of the notable theorists the world has ever known thus; “Dele Oluwole was born August --, 19--, in the small and beautiful town of Mushin in northern Mushin Olosha LGA of Lagos. He received his bachelor’s degree in Business Management from the famous University of Staffordshire England in 200-. He made the U-turn of a life time when he bagged an MSc in computing from Staffordshire University England, but he’s still working on his PhD in human anatomy and snoring therapy”. Will anybody question the audacity behind this encomium? After all charity they say begins at home, even though prophet has no honour except among his own kindred. Whether you like it or not I am a researcher plenipotentiary ……… ‘omo wa ni eje ose’.


My research into snoring is interesting because I have been able to collate primary and secondary data on instances where spouses slept in separate rooms in the house as a result of snoring just to avoid the other. My best friend’s wife vacated their room for the guest room the third day into their married life only for the husband to discover a month later that she snores like a rickety ‘Molue’ approaching the busy ‘eko idumota’ bus terminus. And to put salt on injury my friend made the discovery when they visited me and stayed in the guest room.

Even though no lecturer has agreed to supervise my research I have also discovered in the course of mapping the two snoring hypotheses that many couples are not happy sharing a bed because either spouse snore, even though investigation empirically shows that both of them snore as the research have investigated and postulated that only those who are unhealthily thin and lazy don’t snore.

My year 1997 female friend did not just accept the date that fateful day, we are still together, as my research continued I also discovered that she also like every other normal healthy human being, beautifully and wonderfully created by God does not just snore but treats me to some cat like sounds most night after a busy day at work or cooking at home, although she claimed she snore only when lying on her back but lets leave that to this research conclusion and recommendation that is expected in a few years time.
If you love your partner do not allow snoring to put you asunder and if you will ever want to call it quit because he or she snores, please put a tape recorder by your bed side to record if you snore or not or better still wait for the conclusion/recommendation of this humble and intelligent Nigerian researcher.






References:
1. Port Postgraduate on line Research Training; http://port.igrs.sas.ac.uk/researcher.htm

2. Adult Learning & Human Resources Development Program, (1998-1999, 2000-2002) Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University: http://www.nvc.vt.edu/alhrd/Theorists/theo~com.htm

Why the short and ugly are married I

Written by Dele Oluwole

This may be thinking aloud, I can not stop trying to reason why the Nigerian ‘Bobo’ end up settling for a girl he ordinarily would not go near at his ‘hay’ days when he was a risk taker, but now want to spend the rest of his life with seeing he has now become a risk averter.

When I look around I see nothing but guys who have settled for girls that they have better looks than, especially my ‘loaded’ friends. Each time I was going to be introduced to my friends’ spouses for the first time I was expecting to meet women of sophistication, elegance, and beauty, but instead at the end of the day the best among them was just okay. Whereas, these are guys that when they were in their ‘hay’ days, what I would call their ‘Shongo ode’ I mean when they painted Akoka and Yabatech red will not even dare to talk to such girls.

The decision to choose a life partner is not for the public to debate on which is why I couldn’t summon courage to ask my friends …… ‘but Bros this is the worst of all the girls I have seen you with’. I remember an experience some seven years ago when some of my friends and I told one of us a Banker that his girl friend then who is now his wife was ugly. He didn’t flair up at us because we were very good friends that can say anything to one another, but calmly he said ‘Dele she’s my choice’, the countenance on his face was that of please stop right there and don’t take this any further. Trust me, I persisted and he simply told me and boasting that in ten years time we should come back to re-evaluate our careers, marriage, and life in general to know who is happiest amongst us all, he further said ‘look I am marrying her for her inner beauty, the happiness and joy she will bring to my life will reflect in my career ……. You wait and see’.
My friend today is not just happily married with two sons but doling well in his career as he is presently a Branch manager of one of the top Banks in Nigeria. His wife has a farm that is doing well too.
Most Nigerian young men are looking beyond the ordinary; they grow to mature with time, to know that not all that glitter is gold. Between the ages of 20 and 28 they are risk takers that will go after the Ginevieves, Daregos, Omotolas, Tokunbos and Biancas. The risk taking is worth it after all as the tall and beautiful girls put them through experiences that become invaluable to them later in life.
I have a six footer friend; we went through the NYSC together somewhere in Northern Nigeria. He did not just paint the ‘Sharia’ city red but was going out with the most beautiful Fulani girl in the petroleum Depot where we served. Every skirt chaser in the depot had his eyes on her; even the depot chief made advances through unsolicited petrol drums and cash yet the girl wanted the young, penniless, and hungry Coper. I remember an instance where one of the lady’s numerous admirers or chasers offered to give her a lift to work, the lady did not just accept the lift but requested that her Coper boy friend come on board. Guess what? They both sat at the back while they were chauffeur driven by the ‘toaster’.
The interesting part of this story is that my then Coper friend despite working in an oil company with plenty ‘ego’ eventually got married to a girl the entire family denounced because of her looks but they are happily married with a kid anyway .

These tall and beautiful girls can not cook because they spent more time before their mirrors than in their mother’s kitchen. Don’t joke with Nigerian man and food. They can not stand hard times because they never had such experience. How can they stand hard times when they are chauffeur driven to school in their fathers’ car, when paid washmen and cooks are at their beck and call?
The Nigerian man aside listening to his Mother’s golden advice when its time to choose a life partner wants a happy home, wants to be in control, wants to be respected, and wants a woman that the entire members of the extended family can relate with. He doesn’t want the woman that will use his monthly package to shop for the likes of lipsticks, G strings, and high heel shoes. He of course doesn’t want to come back home to prepare his own supper. He wants a woman that will instil some level of moral values in his children, how can a woman who has never ironed her father’s shirt or help her Mum in the kitchen instil moral values or bring up her children properly or even iron her husband shirt?
If you meet a depressed man find out if he’s happily married, a depressed man’s productivity at work will be so low that it may reduce the company’s turnover and eventually affect the country’s GDP.

The short and ugly is never a risk taker, she will never gamble with her chances of getting hooked to Mr right as she does not get carried away with the euphoria of beauty like her tall counterpart ‘dongo si lewo or Omo ga’. Any attempt to carry herself unnecessarily too high means she is in her own world. As a teenager she already had her cross staring her in the eyes and carried it with all pleasure. She works hard to become an achiever, little wonder she passes the O’ level and JAMB at a sitting as those dangerous boys neither distract nor have interest in her. She will do well in the University and come out with first class or 2:1 because the campus landlords i.e. the cultists don’t take her precious studying time as they will not want to be associated with her type anyway. She will get the best of jobs because she worked hard to earn her degree grade as she neither bribed her way through nor offered herself on ‘a platter of gold’ to the hyena lecturers. The society sees her as being responsible because she doesn’t wear the offensive tops, the nuclear mini skirts or the ‘help me remove’ tights that I call big baby ‘pampas’.
Finally, she will be attracted to the Nigerian man who has sampled an entire city of tall and beautiful girls because of her high moral values, sensibility, and intelligence. She will be happily married and raise God fearing children ….. and who knows if her husband’s gene is very strong she may end up having kids that will grow up to become tall and beautiful.

At the end of the day who looses? The tall and beautiful who may only get married at 37 or as second wife to the pot-belly Alhaji who junkets around the whole world leaving her at the mercy of her driver or Tailor (‘Obioma’) next door. She can only get married to the man of her dream if only she doesn’t allow her God given beauty to take greater part of her, but will she? As everyone tells her that she is the most beautiful girl in the world, and that she has the nicest legs, dreamy eyes and alabaster skin.
You can not eat your cake and have it. It is either you scarify beauty for good manners or level headedness for an Ahlaji. The choice is yours, but I am lucky to have beauty, level headedness, and brain in my wife.